I should clarify
It is relating largely with the quality of support the Peace Corps Bureau in this country provides, and their receptiveness to the idea that individual volunteer realities are different.
I would like everyone's support who is reading this, but I do not want pity.
I want to make clear, it is not that I cant hack living without electricity or running water, that I cant hack the biking or the lack of privacy, cultural isolation and integration and potential miss-understandings that arise. Being comfortable is somewhat low on my priority list. I can hack my living situation. I have for over a year and a half. It is not that I was secretly hoping for an easier last six months of service when I approached the bureau with my suggestions and concerns. (Which were then deemed invalid.)
No, I was hoping for a meaningful last six months of service. My work has lacked meaning since this past November. I used to think it was because I was tired. Only I dont believe Im tired anymore, not in a general way. It is specifically the professional situation itself in my village which makes me tired.
I owed it to myself to try and fix my service, at the moment it appears as though I cant fix it. Actually, the realization that I cant fix it has been far more liberating than binding and I wish people could see this and appreciate it. That I really do have so much inexplicable hope in my heart about my direction in life. Only not about the next six months. The next six months is a black hole surrounded by daisies.
I am too immersed in the issues of my village and can no longer approach the same problems I have been working on from new angles. Having an action plan seems beside the point. I have addressed everything I can address, in the best way I could address it. I have worked with what I have. But this path has become like resuscitating a dead horse, more and more. It did not happen overnight.
Someone else has to approach the situation with a fresh perspective and vision now. I have given what I can give. And when I reflect on that, I feel at peace with what I have done here.
It is only when I think about the immediate future, that I am not at peace.